Oysters can change sex multiple times during their lives.

Commentary/News with a Twist/Satire

DeSantis to issue executive order removing oysters from all Florida restaurant menus and market fish counters.

Interestingfacts.com posted a story this morning called, “Oysters can change sex multiple times during their lives.” According to Interestingfacts:

Although born male, oysters have the impressive ability to switch their sex, seemingly at will. Every season, females can release up to 100 million eggs, and the amount of sperm released is so high it’s essentially incalculable. Once the egg and sperm are released, the oysters rely on pure chance for fertilization to take place, as the egg and sperm meet in the open water. Because any resulting larvae are extremely vulnerable to predators, oysters have evolutionarily compensated by being one of the most virile and sexually flexible species in the world — meaning that their ability to change sex likely evolved as a matter of survival. Scientists theorize that water temperature could play a role in triggering whatever causes an oyster to change its sex, but many aspects of the process remain a mystery.

Said Florida state representative John Paul Temple, who represents The Villages in the Florida assembly, “As soon as I saw this story I called the governor’s office. Since the legislative session just ended, I demanded that the governor issue an executive order banning oysters from all Florida restaurants and markets until the next legislative session when we can pass a law permanently banning this evil creature.”

Temple’s office reported that soon after his call to the governor, he received a message from Florida’s education commissioner, Manny Diaz, saying, “I’m appalled by this news. Although most school children are not fond of oysters, the fact that these sea monsters are multi-sexual is appalling. Imagine the trauma of a young child passing the seafood counter of Publix and having to observe an oyster. I mean, what if some of those oysters are going through sex reassignment in front of the child? Deplorable! I’ve met with the governor and have added my voice to your demand.”

Diaz added, “Due to the blatant and graphic sexual nature of the Interestingfacts.com story, the Education Department has ordered that all internet service providers block any further Interestingfacts.com posts until the site takes down this post and issues a retraction and apology for promulgating these kinds of facts. This story is not about interesting facts; it promulgates and glorifies illicit, illegal behavior.”

Prior to his current role, Diaz served in the Florida legislature for 10 years where, among other things, he sponsored the individual freedom bill which bans school lessons that make students feel uncomfortable, targeting critical race theory, while also pushing for the parental rights in education bill that prohibits classroom instruction on gender identity and sexual orientation in kindergarten through third grade in public schools. (Since expanded to 12th grade.)

DeSantis’ office confirmed that the governor is planning on issuing an executive order later today, issuing this statement:

“Prior to issuing the oyster order, the governor is also considering banning clams and mussels, oysters’ bivalve cousins. Although there is no evidence yet that they share oysters’ sexual perversion, when it comes to protecting our citizens, especially our youngsters, from transgender seafood, the governor would rather be safe than sorry.”

Contacted for comment, the Oyster Bar Association of South Florida said they are saddened by this impending executive order and will be organizing protests if the governor signs the order. Around the Block has also learned that the National Mignonette Sauce Advisory Board will be joining in the protest.

Another South Florida group, Ban Treif * from South Florida, is supporting the governor’s order saying, in part, “We are kvelling** that Governor DeSantis is planning on including clams and mussels in his order. We will be working with the governor’s staff to come up with spurious reasons for including lobsters, shrimp and scallops in a future ban.”

*(Treif is the Yiddish word for un-kosher food. Fish must have fins and removable scales to be considered kosher which excludes shellfish, catfish, eels, shark, and many others.)

**(Kvelling is the Yiddish word for happy and proud)