News with a Twist
Hint: His name rhymes with Red Ooze
Did you ever think to yourself, after hearing or reading about some outrageous comment or deed from a Republican politician, how they get up in the morning and look themselves in the mirror?
Like last week, when former Speaker of the House and current “Most Ludicrous Man in America,” Newt Gingrich, said in an interview on Fox News (where else?), alluding to members of the Congressional January 6 Select Committee, “I think when you have a Republican Congress, this is all going to come crashing down. And the wolves are going to find out that they’re now sheep and they’re the ones who are in fact, I think, face a real risk of jail for the kinds of laws they’re breaking.”
Or, also last week, when GOP Representative Lauren Boebert (whose only virtue is that she’s not quite as vile as Marjorie Taylor Greene) asked a group of orthodox Jewish visitors to Capitol Hill if they were there to conduct a “reconnaissance” mission.
And then there’s Mitch McConnell, the Republican leader who engineered a blockade of the last Supreme Court nominee from a Democratic president, Merrick B. Garland, warning, with a straight face (actually, his only face), President Biden against making an overly ideological SCOTUS choice and not to outsource this important decision to the radical left (whatever that means).
As I thought about this “mirror thing” I wondered if there might be one mirror, to be used by one specific person, that could answer my question.
And then, my extensive knowledge of motion picture history kicked in; there is one.
That mirror is very special, very magical, one originally destined to be used in the sequel to Disney’s “Snow White,” in a film to be called, “Nasty Red.” The film depicts Nasty Red, who’s not interested in “who’s the fairest of them all,” but “who’s the most offensive of them all.”
Alas, Disney could never make the story work and dropped the project.
But then, a miracle happened. An Hispanic-named, Canadian-born, junior Senator from Texas, Ted Cruz, decided he needed to look into a mirror to determine if his quest to be the most offensive man in America was on track. Cruz, whose wife, a former Goldman Sachs executive excoriated by Donald Trump, is very rich, bought the mirror for several million dollars. Cruz, whose real name is Rafael Edward Cruz, began using it every day.
And guess what? According to news reports today, the mirror, after a number of offensive, but perhaps not the MOST offensive Cruz pronouncements, finally worked. When, Cruz, the most hated man in Washington DC intoned, “President Biden’s vow to nominate and confirm the first Black woman to the U.S. Supreme Court is “offensive,” checked in with the mirror, the mirror’s reply, for the first time was, “You, my hirsute junior senator, are the most offensive of them all.”
To put all this into perspective, and as a public service to the millions of Around the Block readers, here are Ted Cruz’s ten previous most offensive comments or actions, as compiled by the Dallas Observer.*
- Ted Cruz Blocks a Senate Resolution Honoring Ruth Bader Ginsburg
- Ted Cruz Gets Caught By a Dog Puppet Repeating the Same BS Speech to Primary Voters
- Ted Cruz Brags About a Painting of Himself While Arguing Before the Supreme Court.
- Ted Cruz Reads Green Eggs and Ham to Filibuster the Affordable Care Act
- Ted Cruz Says He “Consistently Opposed Shutdowns”
- Ted Cruz Tries to Legally Defend a 16-Year Sentence for Someone Who Stole a Calculator
- Ted Cruz Tries to Make Beto O’Rourke Look Bad Because He Was in a Punk Rock Band
- Ted Cruz Makes Fun of Joe Biden the Night Before Biden’s Son’s Funeral
- Ted Cruz Pisses Off Everyone on George W. Bush’s 2000 Presidential Campaign
- Ted Cruz Elbows His Wife in the Face While Hugging His Dad Three Times
* For more on the article, here’s the link: https://www.dallasobserver.com/arts/the-worst-ted-cruz-moments-in-history-11990723
Now that Cruz’s mirror has confirmed that he’s the “most offensive of them all,” the Texas junior senator has sworn off mirrors. Why? Because, as Around the Block has learned exclusively, a Cruz aide vetting other magic mirrors, discovered there is a special mirror only to be used by elite Ivy League graduates, which Cruz is (Princeton/Harvard). This new mirror answers the question, “Mirror, mirror on the wall, who’s the most contemptuous of them all.” The Cruz aide told Around the Block, on the condition of anonymity because he wasn’t authorized to discuss the matter, that Cruz, fearing he might lose, didn’t want to get into a competition with fellow Ivy Leaguers, Missouri Senator Josh Hawley (Stanford, the “Harvard of the West”/Yale) and Florida Governor Ron DeSantis (Yale/Harvard).
“Senator Cruz is completely satisfied with being the most offensive of them all,” said the aide.