October Surprise – Jared Kushner Edition

Commentary/News With a Twist

Getting the country back from the doctors? Say, what?

In the 2020 Election version of the “October Surprise,” Bob Woodward released tapes of Jared Kushner saying back in April “…it was almost like Trump getting the country back from the doctors.”

But wait, there’s more:

• “The most dangerous people around the president are overconfident idiots.” 
• “The states have to own the testing. The federal government should not own the testing. And the federal government should not own kind of the rules. It’s got to be up to the governors, because that’s the way the federalist system works.”
• “But the President also is very smart politically with the way he did that fight with the governors to basically say, no, no, no, no, I own the opening. Because again, the opening is going to be very popular. People want this country open. But if it opens in the wrong way, the question will be, did the governors follow the guidelines we set out or not?”

We can only hope that the release of these tapes, just five days before the election, might, just might, convince undecided voters that the re-election of Donald John Trump represents an existential threat to the country.

But even if it doesn’t change their minds…and knowing some of these undecideds, that’s a distinct possibility…you might, at least want to know what happened at Javanka’s house after the tapes were released. Needless to say, Ivanka was not happy!

So, imagine if you will, this conversation between Donald’s favorite child and his only son-in-law when Jared arrived home last night.

(Note: As an unintended consequence of their Orthodox Jewish faith, Ivanka and Jared tend to use a fair amount of Yiddish when they’re home. For clarity sake I’ve translated some of the less familiar Yiddishisms.)

Jared: “Mein leibling, ikh bin inderheym!” (Honey, I’m home!)

Ivanka: Don’t call me honey, you “shmendrik.” I can’t believe you said those things. “Nu,” are you a “bolvan,” a blockhead, or something?

Jared: “Antshuldigt” (I’m sorry), my “sheynah meydeleh” (beautiful girl). Who knew Woodward, that “drekkopf” (s**t head) would actually use those tapes? But, you’re right, I’m such a “putz.”

Ivanka: “Putz?” You think you’re a “putz?” I know “putz”. My Papa is a “putz,” and you’re no “putz”. You’re not even a “shmegegge.” You’re a “”shlemiel, a “shlimazel,” a “dumbkopf!” It was bad enough, you “gonniff” (dishonest scoundrel), that you overpaid for that building on Fifth Avenue and I had to use all my “seykhel” (good sense) to get the Chinese to bail you out. “Genug geven!” (I’m fed up!)

Jared: “Genug!” (Enough). I know I’m a “afgefutst” (screw up). But does that mean we can’t “hobn geshlekht heynt nakht” ?

Ivanka: “Hobn geshlekht?” Are you “messhuggah?” I’m “verklept” and you want to have sex tonight?

As you can imagine this went on late into the evening until one of the “kinder,” 9-year old Arabella Rose Kushner came into the room and said, in her best fourth grade Hebrew, “אמה, אבא,” בבקשה תפסיק להילחם. הבנים ואני לא יכולים לישון ויש לנו בית ספר עברי בבוקר” (“Mama, Poppa please stop fighting. The boys and I can’t sleep and we have Hebrew school in the morning.”)

Let me close with this: If we’re really lucky, after election day I’ll never have to write about Javanka again. Unless, of course, I need to cover their…how do you say “perp walk” in Yiddish? (“Perp geyn,” if you’re interested)