News with a Twist
Sources: Trump thrilled by idea of moving troops like “so many toy soldiers”
Satire from Ted Block
While critics on both sides of the aisle continue to criticize President Trump’s withdrawal of American troops from Syria, putting our ISIS-fighting Syrian Kurd allies at risk of annihilation at the hands of Turkey’s armed forces, he simultaneously redeployed 1,200 American soldiers to Saudi Arabia to “help the Saudis defend themselves from Iranian attacks.” This, despite the fact that Saudi Arabia doesn’t seem to need the help as it has the third largest defense budget in the world (after the United States and China) and spends a whopping 8.8% of its GDP on defense (U.S.: 3.3%; China: 1.9%).
Why would Trump do this. Well perhaps this tweet from Saudi Crown Prince Mohammad bin Salman, procured exclusively by Around the Block before it was taken down, reveals the answer:
Translation: My wish is Trump’s command. He’ll do whatever I want because he owes us so much money!
After his Middle East redployments, and despite widespread condemnation of the moves, sources in the White House say he is emboldened by his actions.
Speaking on the condition of anonymity prior to filing a whistle blower complaint, our White House source told Around the Block that “the president is thrilled that he has the ability to move troops around like so many toy soldiers. He even told the National Security Council staff that he hasn’t had so much fun since the War Games 101 class at his prep school, the New York Military Academy – which, incidentally is another Trump lie since he paid a classmate to take the class for him because his bone spurs were acting up that year.”
Our source went on to tell us there are more moves on the way including:
Moving the U.S. Naval base from Yokosuka, Japan to Vladivostok, Russia in order to protect President Vladimir Putin from enemy attacks on Russia’s east coast. “Our Navy has been protecting Japan for many years…they owe us billions of dollars. It’s horrible what the Japanese are doing; disgraceful. And Vlad called and told me he needed the help,” Trump told his staff.
Redeploying 26,000 Army and Marine Corps personnel from South Korea to North Korea. Trump told his advisors, “I received a ‘beautiful’ letter from Kim Jong Un. Not only did he tell me he how much he loves me, he asked me if I could do him a favor – move all those U.S. forces that he believes are a constant threat to his regime up to North Korea to help him defend his beloved country from all those really bad neighbors like Japan and South Korea. I sent a terrific letter back telling him I loved him too and that not only would I move the troops, I will also schedule joint operations with our Army and Navy and his really terrific Korean People’s Army, Navy and Air Forces.”
Moving 35,000 American troops from Germany to Belarus. Our source reported, in perhaps the most audacious move of all, “In that call from Putin about protecting Russia’s Pacific coast, Putin also mentioned that he was really tired of having to deploy some many troops to the west to defend against NATO. So, Trump told Putin that NATO was ‘a disgrace, none of them pay their bills and they owe us hundreds of billions of dollars, a real pain in the ass if you know what I mean.’ As they talked some more, Trump told him, ‘Look, Vlad, we have 35,000 U.S. troops in Germany. How about this, I’ll move them to Belarus and western Ukraine to protect you from NATO which will be very weak without the U.S. troops. And by the way, those U.S. troops in Ukraine working with your army will really get that corrupt country on your side – a win-win if you understand. But I just need one favor – you’ve got to get that Trump Tower Moscow back on track. You know, a quid pro quo. To be honest, Vlad, I don’t know what a quid pro quo is but everyone seems to be using it now, so I thought I’d give it a try.’”
Due to the controversy over the super-secret filing of the “transcript’ of Trump’s call to the Ukrainian president, our source reports that transcripts of all these calls and internal discussions, as well as the letters to and from Kim Jong Un, will be filed in the White House basement in a file cabinet labeled “Donald Trump’s Reading List,” which no one would ever look into for, well, obvious reasons.