News with a Twist
“Lower the Bar” Barr’s DO(I)J “Trump Protection Squad” working to end Congressional “Illegal Witch Hunt”
Satire from Ted Block
Last week, David Leonhardt of the NY Times detailed 40 potentially impeachable offenses Trump has said or done.
Leonhardt reported today, in a message entitled, “41, 42…”, that “the president of the United States accused one of his congressional critics of treason yesterday morning and said that the critic should be arrested. And yet it might not even have been the most outrageous thing that the country learned about President Trump yesterday.
“That distinction could also belong to the news, broken by Times reporters, that during a phone call with the prime minister of Australia, Trump pressured him to produce information discrediting Robert Mueller’s recent investigation. White House aides took the unusual step of restricting access to the transcript of the phone call, in a sign they believed it was problematic. It was the same step they had taken after Trump’s July call with Ukraine’s president.”
After having part of Leonhardt’s column read to him, we’ve learned that Attorney General William “Lower the Bar” Barr has charged his Department of Injustice’s (DOIJ) “Trump Protection Squad” (TPS) to find ways to end the “illegal Congressional witch hunt.
Sources inside the DOIJ have told Around the Block, on the condition of anonymity because they weren’t authorized to discuss illegal department activities, that Barr has demanded his minions find some law, statute or even hearsay, that would put an end to, in his words, the “illegal, Congressional witch hunt being run by the traitor, Representative Adam Schiff, chairman of the House Intelligence Committee.
In a potential breakthrough for Team Trump coach Barr, our sources indicate that a very low level, but very deep state junior department attorney who, incidentally, most recently interned for White House advisor Stephen Miller, has found the answer: An obscure DOIJ Office of Illegal Counsel (OILC) rule reads, “There is a limit to the number of impeachable offenses that a president can be accused of; that number is 50. Once 51 offenses are reported, the impeachment inquiry must be abandoned and no further action can be taken to impeach and, of course, remove the president.” Given that, a member of Barr’s DOIJ team, posing as a left-wing whistleblower, has been charged with feeding Leonhardt more potential Trump transgressions in the anticipation that in the next few days and weeks, Leonhardt will reach the magic number, 51, and publish his findings…thus ending the impeachment inquiry.
Barr, in a meeting with his DOIJ TPS reportedly awarded this junior attorney the DOIJ “Medal of Unfreedom” medal saying, “Thanks to this young man we are only nine presidential wrongdoings away from making this horrifyingly illegal witch hunt go away and we can get back to work opining in favor of other injustices to the detriment of the people.”