“The Pfizers win the vaccine!The Pfizers win the vaccine!”*

News with a Twist

“The shot heard ’round the world!”

*New Pfizer Results: Coronavirus Vaccine Is Safe and 95% Effective – New York Times, November 18, 2020

Hello again, everybody. Tony Fauci** up here broadcasting from the TV booth high above the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases Stadium. Along with me, my special broadcasting legends, Mel Allen, Phil Rizzuto and Red Barber. Sorry for that little break in the action but that was quite a “rhubarb” out there, as the ol’ Redhead would say, after the Moderna’s pitcher hit the the Pfizer batter right in the “keister.” Thank goodness they don’t give those shots in the keister anymore.

(**See https://around-the-block.com/2020/11/16/modernas-vaccine-has-a-significant-advantage-over-pfizers/ for perspective on this story)

Let me set things up: It’s the bottom of the ninth. The Pfizers have one in, narrowing the Moderna’s lead to to 94.5 to 91. But the Pfizers have the bases loaded with their lead epidemiologist, Dr. Bobby Thomson, up. Pitching for the Moderna’s, their ace infectious diseases specialist, Dr. Ralph Branca. Dr. Thomson steps out of the batter’s box. Seems like he’s looking for something out in the centerfield clubhouse…for some kind of, I don’t know what, a sign? Whatever. I’m sure history will sort that out. Dr. Thomson steps back in. Here comes the pitch. It’s a called strike on the inside corner. 

Well, lookee here. Guess who just came into the broadcast booth. The one and only, the great New York Pfizers play-by-play man, Russ Hodges. Welcome Russ, why don’t you call the next pitch.

Here’s Russ. “Thanks, Tony, it’ll be my pleasure. Dr. Branca winds up. Here comes the pitch. Dr. Thomson swings. There’s a long drive … it’s gonna be, I believe … The Pfizers win the vaccine! The Pfizers win the vaccine! The Pfizers win the vaccine! The Pfizers win the vaccine!“

Russ, I think you’re going to need a doctor. Phil, can you call 911? Phil? Phil? “Holy cow!” Mel? “How ’bout that?” Red? “Oh doctor, what’s 911?”

Well, Tony back here. My goodness, these guys are as helpful as Dr. Scott Atlas!

Folks, that’s it. Dr. Bobby Thomson’s grand slam in the bottom of the ninth wins it for the Pfizers. Final score: Pfizers: 95, Modernas: 94.5. Seems like that Dr. Irving Berlin song the Pfizers were singing earlier, “I Can Do Anything You Can Do Better” really came through for them. I guess the Modernas will just have to wait ’til the next pandemic. What’s that you say, Mel, they can sing what? “One Day More?” Never heard it.