News with a Twist
The game show that’s taped live, in-person, with no masks and no social distancing!
All right folks, it’s time for another edition of “Who’s the Dumbest Republican Governor?”
As usual, we will limit the number of contestants to four, recognizing that if we opened this up to all the dumb Republican governors, we’d have a rent a much larger studio. And, yes I do mean a studio. “Who’s the Dumbest Republican Governor?” is taped live and in-person in a studio. No Zoom; no Google Meet. Just live. And with no masks and no social distancing. Contestants stand at podiums measured to be precisely two-feet apart for better camera angles. With these guys and their followers, the old adage, pictures are worth a thousand words really works…and so much easier to understand.
Speaking of words, we all know who the man with the best words is. But unfortunately he couldn’t be here today. He’s so busy and so important and he needs something else for his next 5pm TV time slot. So, just yesterday he began to develop a plan to combat the Covid-19 crisis (yes, I know this pandemic has been with us for almost six months now and he’s just begun working on a plan, but who’s counting? Oh, right, someone is counting. Almost everyone else is counting. And what are they counting? The 143,000 U.S. deaths. And they’re still counting. But that’s for another story).
So substituting for the man with the best words is the man with the most adoringly sycophantic words, the one, the only Vice President Mike Pence. Take it away, Mike.
“Well, thank you Ted. You are truly an inspiring and clever writer. I admire your insights and your wit…wait, what did you say, Kayleigh? I’m not supposed to admire him? He what? He doesn’t respect us and writes about us disparagingly? Well, that’s not the Christian thing to do. He’s what? He’s not a Christian? He’s a Jew? Well, I’ll be hog-tied”
“Sorry folks, I just lost my head a bit. But let’s get on with our contest, ‘Who’s the Dumbest Republican Governor?” By the way, just a little aside, you might not remember, but I was once a Republican governor and I’m happy to admit, when I was in Indiana lots of people thought I was the ‘dumbest Republican governor.’ What an honor and what a shame that I can no longer compete. But now I’m even more honored to be our great leader, Donald Trump’s fawning VP.
“But I digress, let’s get on with ‘Who’s the Dumbest Republican Governor?’ by introducing our contestants.
“First, our reigning champion, Governor Ron DeSantis of the great state of Florida. Ron’s the current champion based on his incredible handling of the coronavirus pandemic in the Sunshine State. Ron, great hat. Really sets the stage. Now, I understand that you’re very proud that Florida is now the number one coronavirus hot spot and that you’ve recently just thrown up your hands, saying that ‘younger adults are going to do what they’re going to do.’ You’ve even said, ‘I’m just powerless to stop them.’ Now, that’s leadership with a capital ‘L’ and dumbness with a capital ‘D.’ And even better, you’ve been bullying local school districts to offer in-person classes next month. Wow, that’s impressive. No wonder you’re our reigning champ.
“Next, last week’s runner-up who told me he is going to do his darn best this week to be dumber than Ron DeSantis, Governor Brian Kemp of Georgia. Now, it’s been said about Brian that it was clear, two years ago, that he had a screw loose. But, as governor, Brian has ‘trumped’ (did you see what a did there…’trumped,’ just a little inside the White House joke) his own stupidity metric. You only learned in April, Brian that asymptomatic carriers of the coronavirus can carry the disease and infect new people. And you said it’s cool if churches want to resume in-person services, because, after all, agreeing with one of your devotees, ‘Jesus is their vaccine.’ And now you’re suing Atlanta Mayor Keisha Lance Bottoms, a Democrat, and the Atlanta City Council, to block the city’s coronavirus mask mandate after you issued an executive order overruling such mandates at the local level. Lordy, lordy. Governor DeSantis, I think you have some stiff competition in Brian in today’s round.
“Speaking of ‘stiff,’ today’s third contestant in ‘Who’s the Dumbest Republican Governor?’ is Oklahoma’s Governor Kevin Stitt. Welcome, Kevin. You’re not stiff yet, but let me tell the folks out there why you might be in the future, and why you qualify for this competition. Folks, Governor Stitt here is a true American patriot. Not only did he welcome our great, fearless and revered leader Donald Trump to Tulsa for the greatest rally in the history of rallies, in which masks and social distancing were not required, Kevin here attended the rally in person, did not wear a mask, did not social distance and, wait for it, contracted Covid-19 himself. I don’t know what could be simultaneously more patriotic and dumber than that! Kevin, if you win this week, I hope you won’t be stiff, if you get my drift, and are around next week to defend your championship.
“And finally, the dark horse in today’s competition, the previously completely unknown governor of the “Show Me” state, otherwise known as the great state of Missouri, Governor Mike Parson. No one ever heard of you Mike (golly, I love that name) until you recently leaped into the top four of Dumbest Republican governors, but you’re sure going to “show me.” (Don’t you love when I make little word jokes like that?) Remember folks, when Mike said this on Friday: ‘These kids have got to get back to school. They’re at the lowest risk possible. And if they do get Covid-19, which they will—and they will when they go to school—they’re not going to the hospitals. They’re not going to have to sit in doctor’s offices. They’re going to go home, and they’re going to get over it.’ Now Mike, candidly, I was not completely sure why that was a dumb statement; I actually thought it made perfect sense. But then one of my aides told me ‘Mr. Vice President, what Governor Parson said was dumb because when those kids go home, they can infect their families and then those potentially infected family members can affect other people they come into contact with and on and on…kind of like a snowball effect.’ Frankly, I still don’t understand, but if my aides think what you said is dumb, I guess we’ll see what the judges think.
“And speaking of judges, without further ado, let me introduce ours, Judge Andrew Napolitano, Judge Jeanine Pirro, Judge Judy (I actually don’t know her last name) and Judge Wapner (I actually don’t know his first name)…what’s that, Kayleigh? Judge Wapner died? Golly gosh, I didn’t know. I guess you’re going to have to step in Kayleigh. I know you’ll do as well at judging as you do as press secretary to our revered leader.
“Ok, with the introductions behind us, it’s now time to play “Who’s the Dumbest Republican Governor!”
Let the “Dumbness” begin!