Trump: Heat will kill coronavirus

News with a Twist

Reassures Americans that everything will work out fine, based on…um, read on

At a recent campaign rally President Donald John Trump (I) gave the cheering crowd his predictions regarding the fast-spreading coronavirus rocking mainland China and the rest of Asia. (Reports that no “Orientals” were allowed at the rally have not been confirmed.)

Calling it “rough stuff,” Trump assuaged* the crowd that it will “work out fine,” and that with warmer weather, the virus will die.

*Around the Block Vocabulary Assistant: A public service for readers who might not know lots of and/or the best words: as·suage/əˈswāj/verb: make (an unpleasant feeling) less intense; allay, alleviate, appease, lessen, mitigate, soften, moderate… 

“Generally speaking, the heat kills this kind of virus,” he clarified. 

And, at a press briefing later in the week, Trump went on to suggest that the new coronavirus would “go away” in April, as temperatures warm, going on to say, “We’re in great shape though. We have 12 cases — 11 cases, and many of them are in good shape now.”

While some viruses are seasonal, it’s not yet clear if the new virus will follow the same pattern — and experts caution against banking on the weather to resolve the outbreak.

“It’s possible, but it is wishful thinking, by analogy with flu and other winter respiratory viruses,” Columbia University epidemiologist Stephen Morse said of the April timeframe. “I’d say wait until April, we’ll know then if it’s true.” In the meantime, he recommended continuing to attempt to control the virus, and not being “lulled by hopeful, but quite possibly wrong analogies.”

When asked by a reporter at the briefing whether he had made his prognosis based on information from the CDC or an epidemiologist, Trump replied, “I’m not sure what you mean by ‘prognosis’ but I don’t need to hear from just any epidermatologists. I went to the best source I know for medical opinions, the man who’s rated as the ‘Best Doctor in the World.’ You know in the magazines they have all those ads, ‘The Best Surgeons,’ ‘The Best Hair Transplant Doctors,’ The Best Proctologists’…some people call proctologists ‘Ass Men,’ you know. Well my doctor is number one in every category. He’s the guy I turn to when we have any medical questions. Even in situations like this, what some people are calling an epidemic. Oh, now I get it, ‘epi’ like in ‘epidemic,’ ‘epidermatologist.’ Anyway, he’s also the best epidermatologist in the world. You know who I mean, Doctor Harold Bornstein.”

A reporter followed up, “You mean the same Doctor Bornstein, your personal physician, the man who called you the ‘healthiest person in history ever to run for president.”

“Yes, that Doctor Harold Bornstein,” Trump confirmed. “I even asked him, ‘this heat thing, is it really true.?’ You know what he said, ‘You go down to Florida every weekend and holiday. It’s hot down there right? How many cases of coronavirus have been reported in Florida? None, right? That’s all you need to know. Crisis resolved!'”

Before reporters could ask any more questions their attention was diverted by a breaking story: A reported Martian spacecraft landing at Grover’s Mill, New Jersey.