Typical school lunch under proposed new rules
News with a Twist
President wants kids to eat, look like him
The Washington Post reported that “the U.S. Department of Agriculture has taken another whack at former first lady Michelle Obama’s signature achievement: Establishing stricter nutritional standards for school breakfasts and lunches. And on her birthday.”
Read on as Around the Block expands on the Post’s report and exclusively reveals the back story behind the USDA’s proposed obliteration of Michelle Obama’s school lunch initiative.
“On Friday, USDA Deputy Under Secretary Brandon Lipps* announced new proposed rules for the Food and Nutrition Service that would allow schools to cut the amount of vegetables and fruits required at lunch and breakfasts while giving them the ability to sell more pizza, burgers and fries to students. The agency is responsible for administering nutritional programs that feed nearly 30 million students at 99,000 schools.”
*Note: Yes, the person in charge of government regulations regarding the food that enters your mouth through your lips is really named “Lipps.”
The Post went on to say that “Lipps said the changes will help address what he described as unintended issues that developed as a result of the regulations put in place during the Obama administration.”
One of those “unintended issues” was the formidable and apparently unsolvable problem of having to give kids “two bananas to meet minimum federal requirements for grab-and-go breakfasts off a cart or meals in the classroom.”*
*Note: That is not invented “News with a Twist” satire; it is an actual USDA “unintended issue.”
Since the only reason the Trump Administration is doing this is because it was a Michelle Obama initiative, it would seem to have made more sense to take a less harmful approach, keeping the rules and just renaming the Michelle Obama Act the “Melania Trump Healthy, Hunger Free Kids Act of 2020.
Despite the fact that “more sense” and “Trump Administration” are contradictions in terms, Around the Block did ask the USDA’s Lipps whether they considered honoring Mrs. Trump with a new and beneficial act. Lipps replied, “it was considered and rejected because the President loves pizza, burgers and fries more than he loves Mrs. Trump and thinks fruits and vegetable are harmful to kids’ health and intellectual development.”
Lipps went on to say that when he met with the President on the issue, Trump told him, “Look when I was growing up I never had an apple or an orange or a banana and certainly no spinach or broccoli or celery…none of those things. I only ate pizza, burgers and French Fries (we called them French Fries in those days, but not any more. What a putz “Little Manu” Macron is). And look at me now. I’m the healthiest president in history. And I’m a stable genius.”
Of course, despite the fact that the President wants everyone to be, and apparently, look like him, that they introduced these rules on Michelle Obama’s birthday only rubs more salt into the wound.
Speaking of salt, Around the Block is the first news outlet to report that in a footnote to the proposed new rules, the allowable amount of salt on school menus will be increased by 50%. The USDA added this after the lobby group, the American Salt Refiners Association (ASRA), donated $2 million to the Trump reelection committee. (We cannot confirm rumors that a $3 million donation would have resulted in a 100% salt increase.)
While not independently confirmed, a bellboy inside the Trump Hotel in D.C. told Around the Block, on the condition of anonymity because he is an illegal alien, that he spotted ASRA president Morton K.* Crystal, carrying a huge, overstuffed, valise meeting with, and apparently delivering the cash to, Rudy Giuliani, Lev Parnas and Trump 2020 campaign chairman Brad Parscale in the lobby of Trump Hotel just before Parnas was arrested.
*Little known fact. Mr. Crystal’s middle name is actually “Kosher,” an honorific bestowed by the ASRA because, not surprisingly, Kosher salt is the industry’s biggest money maker..
Around the Block contacted Mr. Giuliani about this meeting and he responded, “I don’t know any Morton K. Crystal. I think I’ve heard Lev Parnas’ name but I’ve never seen or spoken to him. I’ve never met Mr. Pasquale (sic). I’ve never been to the Trump Hotel. And believe me, I never add salt to my food. So why would I meet with a “salt” guy?”
Where’s Rachel Maddow when you need her?